What is that superior power of silence? Where was it from? Why was it created? How long has it been there? I had tons of questions in my mind. From my early age, I saw my mom took care of my dad when he came home late at night from his college party. She didn’t complain when he was drunk, vomit and snored all night. I saw my neighbor’s wife held her wound, accepting her husband to cheat on her to protect the family for her children. I saw myself unable to confront my cousins touching me when he was spending an overnight at my house. I saw my friend couldn’t talk back when her parents wanted her to be a doctor instead of an artist. I saw women around me keeping the silence. In a conflict with other, it’s better for woman to apologize for whatever happened.
Mai Kao Thao said in her article, “My mother used to tell me that I should always be a good, obedient woman, and smile silently as I swallow the bitterness that other give me.” I heard the similar thing like I should always be obedient when I was growing up. And I am sure many Vietnamese women was framed in the same model of “being a good woman” throughout their whole life. Being affected by Confucianism, Vietnamese Women was carved out from Three Submissions and the Four Virtues. It meant that they don’t have freedom, and they belonged to their father, their husband and their son. They have to be expert at housekeeping, beauty, appropriate speech and moral conduct. As a daughter, my parents taught me to talk gentle, eat slowly, walk elegantly, and sit lightly. I was trained not to talk back. I was expected to keep silence and feeling to myself. If anything went wrong, I would become a bad woman and no one would want me.
I recall this message, “one yield means nine peaceful things will happen” whenever something happens. Because when I keep quiet, I can keep the peace. Silence means for good. That’s why to Vietnamese women, it is power. Vietnamese women hold the power of silence, so everyone else in the family or around could be happy. And making other people happy is women’s responsibility. That’s how we were taught. And it becomes a sin not to pleasure others. It will bring judgment of virtuous and sense of guilt. It has transformed into beautiful frame of model hanging in all Vietnamese families, and no one dares to break it.
But i want to break it. I find the silence I was taught to hold on is scary. It kept me away from my beloved ones. I couldn’t dare to speak since I was afraid to hurt them. I kept everything for my own and learned to accept it as a chore. But my heart yearns to share and understanding. I was lonely and waited to be rescued. But who can speak out that silence for me, except myself?
At some point, I admit that silence is powerful. But the silence of sins is not. Vietnamese women protected the silence of sins for others to step on them. And I think it’s time to look at the power of silence in different way. The power of silence should not be “having to”, but “wanting to”.
by Thanh Hai Do
Photo cited from, "http://silverbulletin.utopiasilver.com/researchers-uncover-the-healing-power-of-silence/"
Thao, Mai Kao. “Sins Of Silence.” Amy Kesselman, Lily D McNair and Nancy Schniedewind. Women: Images & Realities. Mayfield Publishing, 1999. 17-18. Book.