When I read " We dont sleep around like white girl do" family, culture, and gender in Filipina American lives by Yen Le, I could feel strongly related to the subject she wanted to express. As a Vietnamese woman who will soon become American citizen, I wonder to myself the question as my role in fitting in Vietnamese community, as well as how to cope with America environment. Should i adapt, mix or keep the traditional role that was instilled in me? How do i teach my children the culture properly, so that they can have their own identity, but not alien them in this new country.
Exactly like what Yen Le described in her essay, I grew up in the extra protection from my parents since i was a girl. My mother used to cried and said that she was so sad having two girls without a son. She was afraid that we would grow up to have a difficult life. I was taught to keep my virginity till the day of marriage. And that virgin idea was important to society in comparison to Western girl. In fact, it was used as stereotype to implant the must to Vietnamese women as superior or better than white girl if she obeys and keep her virginity.
Exactly like what Yen Le described in her essay, I grew up in the extra protection from my parents since i was a girl. My mother used to cried and said that she was so sad having two girls without a son. She was afraid that we would grow up to have a difficult life. I was taught to keep my virginity till the day of marriage. And that virgin idea was important to society in comparison to Western girl. In fact, it was used as stereotype to implant the must to Vietnamese women as superior or better than white girl if she obeys and keep her virginity.
Look at the picture 1 on the side, it is the idea of a good Vietnamese women who grew up with Three Submissions and the Four Virtues. She smiles gently and whole a beautiful homemade food. Next to the picture of herself is the image of her serving her husband with a feast. On the second picture, it is realistic chores that Vietnamese woman has to do in modern day in city life. On the third image, that is the expectation of all the chores that Vietnamese woman has to carry on her shoulder in the rural areas.
With all that burden of being a good Vietnamese women, i often find myself guilty and unable to fulfill the image. This is where the trouble of living in the new country deeply effect me.
That amount of understanding about traditional women role in a Vietnamese family really didnt help me at all. It made me feel the responsibility of pleasuring everyone else. The deep sadness often visit me whenever someone criticize my doing. When i first came to live with my in law, i had to wake up early in the morning, clean up the house, prepare breakfast and serve the family. The chores went on and on during the day. However, no matter what i did, i had never satisfied them. Every weekend, i was called out on a table to hear the criticize of all family members. I was exhausted by questioning the women role. So if i did everything, why everyone was not happy? How much is enough?
That amount of understanding about traditional women role in a Vietnamese family really didnt help me at all. It made me feel the responsibility of pleasuring everyone else. The deep sadness often visit me whenever someone criticize my doing. When i first came to live with my in law, i had to wake up early in the morning, clean up the house, prepare breakfast and serve the family. The chores went on and on during the day. However, no matter what i did, i had never satisfied them. Every weekend, i was called out on a table to hear the criticize of all family members. I was exhausted by questioning the women role. So if i did everything, why everyone was not happy? How much is enough?
Yen Le said, " Because the moral status of the community rests on women's labor, as wives and daughters are expected to dedicate themselves for the family." That was right, i wasnt dare to upset my parents or shame them by returning to Vietnam since i had to play my part as a good girl. But in the same time, I was struggling with the dedication i practice as wife and daughter in law in America. While my friend married a white man, she shared the chores with her husband and being treated with respect. Plus, my virginity wasnt appreciated by my husband anyway. I doubt myself with all model role i played and being treated with no respect, and had no answer for myself.
So It wasnt being a good decent Vietnamese girl that will bring me happiness, appreciation and respect. I was lost and unable to give myself an identity to seeking happiness. I was taught that going to club wasnt a behavior of a decent woman. I couldnt go to dance and enjoy myself like many women i know. They are so outgoing and happy, while i am too tight up and unable to loosen myself. I find myself unable to fitting in with white men, yet i couldnt find myself being with a traditional Vietnamese guy with his family. I couldnt take off the culture coat that acts as my skin, but rebelled and doubt it? Where is my position in America?
It isnt an easy fix. I understand that i need to find the answer for myself. The answer for my identity, and also my responsibility to careful tend and raise this identity for my daughter who was born in America. And of course, that identity wont carry the self value merely on the virginity nor the labor works.
By Thanh Hai Do
Work Cited:
Yen Le Espiritu, "We Don't Sleep around like White Girls Do": Family, Culture, and Gender in Filipina American Lives, Signs , Vol. 26, No. 2 (Winter, 2001), pp. 415-440
Published by: The University of Chicago Press
Article Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/3175448
So It wasnt being a good decent Vietnamese girl that will bring me happiness, appreciation and respect. I was lost and unable to give myself an identity to seeking happiness. I was taught that going to club wasnt a behavior of a decent woman. I couldnt go to dance and enjoy myself like many women i know. They are so outgoing and happy, while i am too tight up and unable to loosen myself. I find myself unable to fitting in with white men, yet i couldnt find myself being with a traditional Vietnamese guy with his family. I couldnt take off the culture coat that acts as my skin, but rebelled and doubt it? Where is my position in America?
It isnt an easy fix. I understand that i need to find the answer for myself. The answer for my identity, and also my responsibility to careful tend and raise this identity for my daughter who was born in America. And of course, that identity wont carry the self value merely on the virginity nor the labor works.
By Thanh Hai Do
Work Cited:
Yen Le Espiritu, "We Don't Sleep around like White Girls Do": Family, Culture, and Gender in Filipina American Lives, Signs , Vol. 26, No. 2 (Winter, 2001), pp. 415-440
Published by: The University of Chicago Press
Article Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/3175448